The Labour Party leadership contenders

The main candidates to replace Ed Miliband and my extremely unbiased assessment of their strengths and weaknesses.

Yvette Cooper

Possibly the most boring on-the-record speaker in the entire Labour Party. No voter has ever managed to stay awake during the entirety of an Yvette Cooper speech. Not a time to go for the soporific strategy, comrades.

Andy Burnham

Being the political wing of UNITE is a serious strategy for a future Labour victory. Right, Andy?

Chuka Umunna

Smart, well-connected and telegenic, this former lawyer may be the most irritating of the crop. I won't mention smug, vain and prone to flaunting an assumed intellectual superiority he does not in fact possess. Appeals to the Hampstead crowd and perhaps, in an Obama-esque fashion, to ethnic communities with whom he culturally and materially shares very little.

Update [Friday May 15th 2015]. Umunna has now withdrawn in murky circumstances.

Rachel Reeves

One of the better ones, handicapped by low recognition outside the bubble.

Dan Jarvis

Good CV, allegedly. Apart from that, no-one outside the bubble has ever heard of Dan Jarvis, and few within. Update: just heard he's already withdrawn.

Tristram Hunt

Why would this disingenuous posh boy even think of leading the worker's party? Way too pleased with himself.

Liz Kendall

A senior manager once asked his team: "If this guy is as good as you say, why haven't I seen more of him?" Having said that, she is probably one of the good guys here.

--

Since we don't know the mission, choosing the mission leader is a little fraught. Should be a fun few months.